Kingsley and I spent an interesting day last week in a ‘thinking’ seminar with Ruth McCarthy of 'think it through'. Motivated by the ten components of a thinking environment from Nancy Kline's More Time to Think we had asked Ruth to spend some time with us to help improve our “attention” in delivering our Networking Programme. Outcomes included - redesigning the agenda for our two-hour seminars for small groups and creating an outline for a new two and a half hour workshop for larger groups.
Attention
What do I mean by attention? Attention is the first and most important component in creating a thinking environment (see a brief review of More Time to Think in my Amazon reading list on LinkedIn). It is also central to first-person Action Inquiry (also reviewed Action Inquiry, Torbert & Ass. 2004) and is implicit in many other approaches such as Peter Senge’s Presencing, Otto Scharmer’s Theory U and in Hanson and Mendius’s Buddha’s Brain.
Attention, mindfulness or presencing is about bringing attention to both your inner and outer worlds. As applied to others it is about creating an environment in which others are given the space and time to think, to be heard and to be their best. According to Ruth, the average time we get to speak before being interrupted is between 10-20 seconds!
Our first exercise for the day was to practice listening and attention by working in pairs in which we gave each other 3 mins uninterrupted attention to speak and instead of jumping in when the other person came to a natural pause, we followed on with a simple question such as “is there anything more you would like to say”? This is based on the assumption that “while the other person may have stopped talking, they haven’t necessarily stopped thinking”.
Bringing attention has all sorts of practical benefits both for the person doing the thinking and the person doing the attending. As the neuroscience literature shows what we bring our attention to increases neural activity in the brain which in turn increase our opportunity to learn i.e., what we bring our attention too we can learn from (see Buddha’s Brain).
In this seminar, we focused on Kline's concept of attention which has three central components:
- attention to the ‘content’ of what the other person is saying
- attention to ‘your response’, and
- attention to creating ‘a thinking environment’ for the other person.
Take note however, if you become too fixated on the content you may not register your response to it. If you become too fixated on your response, your thoughts may become more important than the thinker's next thoughts. If you focus too much on creating a thinking environment for the thinker you may come across as detached and artificial. Balancing attention to the content, your response and to creating a thinking environment is a complex task. This is explored in detail in first-, second- and third-person Action Inquiry (Torbert & Ass, 2004)
More on attention....
Attention is about listening without interruption. It is listening while resisting the need to ‘answer the question’ or ‘solve the problem’. It is listening with an open mind rather a critical ear. It is listening without feeling the need to help. It is listening without the need to ‘direct’ “with our questions and impress with our tools”. It is listening with respect and love and with the knowledge that the person who raises the question usually has the best answer.
As a practice, try to listen to what is being said and then to what is going to be said. Listen and resist the urge to reply. Let the silences happen, leave the space open, resist the need to rush in with your thoughts. The listener needs your attention more than your advice. As we discuss later, you can later follow up with ‘incisive questions’ if necessary.
While bringing attention to others, focus on their eyes and don’t take notes (do that later). Breath out and get interested. Know that your ‘attention’ is what is required not your answers and not your notes. It is your ‘attention’ that will act as a catalyst for their thinking and the solution to their problem. Know that for others, “the knowing” that they won’t be interrupted is a phenomenal force for their mind. Again, resist the urge to respond, resists the urge to interrupt. Know that the urge to interrupt rises in proportion to the awareness of the content and the creation of a thinking environment.
Finally, Kline notes that attention is the catalyst for creating a thinking environment and is implicit in each of the other nine components. Attention allows the asking of questions, the kind of questions the thinker’s mind may ask itself if allowed. It is the uninterrupted attention that allows the thinker’s mind break through and answers its own questions. We can help with our incisive questions such as;
“if you knew that you can figure this out, that your ideas matter, that your feelings count, that you are important, that you have choice, that you can face anything, that you can solve this, even when the experts haven't, that you are a delight - what new ideas would you have in this moment, what thoughts would you dare to have”? (p. 38)
The power of Incisive Questions
According to Kline, everything we do, think and feel begins with an assumption. The excitement starts when we begin to notice these assumptions and replace the ‘untrue or limiting assumptions’ with the ‘true ones’. Structurally by putting the ‘true assumptions’ into an incisive question it frees up the mind. It works as follows…following a sequence:
You are thinking along. You come up against an ‘untrue limiting assumption’ which you regard as true. You stop, you can’t go forward, but you commit to understanding it, to breaking it down, to looking at ‘how true it really is’ You spend the time, you pull it apart, you realise its untrue. You then ask, Well if it is ‘untrue’, what words do I have for what is true and liberating instead? Figure that out and then ask, ‘If I knew that, then how would I go forward? This is the incisive question that liberates the mind.
As applied to Networking-Matters.
As noted above, as a direct result of the thinking session we redesigned the agenda for our two-hour seminars for small groups and created an outline for a new two and half hour workshop for larger groups. We added in new concepts such as the introductory and closing rounds and working in listening pairs. We also added the unblocking sequence and incisive questions.
The introductory round works on the assumption that no one has entered the meeting until they have spoken. An introductory round can be quite short, 30 seconds or less, in which everyone introduces themselves and says something nice, useful or good that has happened to them recently. This helps to set the tone of the meeting and to creating an appreciative environment in which to work. We guard the concept of appreciation and try to give it out in a ratio of 5:1 appreciation to criticism. Why, because appreciation works better than criticism, because we don’t do enough of it and because it is better in terms of creating a thinking environment.
While working in thinking-pairs you are guaranteed not to be interrupted for 3 minutes. As noted earlier, we are normally interrupted after 10 seconds or so. Try it yourself. Just how anxious are you to share your best thoughts just after someone has started talking to you. This is partly because your thoughts appear much quicker in your brain than what the other person is saying.
In the thinking pairs, it is essential to bring attention to what the other person is saying and to allow them to continue thinking even after they may have stopped talking. The objective is not to have a conversation or even a discussion, but rather to create the best possible environment for them to think. Should they pause during this 3 minutes, the person asking the question may say something like, “what more do you think, feel or want to say about the topic”? Say thank you to each other at the end.
There is no need to report back on the thinking from these pair sessions. The session leader might ask however, “what is your freshest thinking on the topic now”or “what is your new thinking on the topic”!? This just acknowledges that the thinking goes on long after the talking has stopped.
The second part of day focused on the unblocking sequence and incisive questions and how they could be used as part of our Networking Programme. For instance, how could we use ‘incisive questions’ to deal with ‘rejection’ in the solicitation part of the programme? Rejection can be very difficult to take, particularly in this case where you have spent time rating and screening your prospects and developing a relationship with them. In fact, the closer the relationship, the greater the sense of rejection. What sort of incisive questions can you ask? These might include;
“I appreciate that you don’t want to conduct business right now but it would be really helpful if you could tell me why”. Is it me, my organization or the terms of the proposal?” or
“could you tell me what is making it most unsuitable for you right now”? or
“I know I did not get the business but could you give me some advice on why not”? or
“Is there something particular about the proposal that you are uncomfortable with”?
Get over feeling rejected and see this an opportunity to learn something important about you, your product or service and your relationship with your prospect
We also talked about the unblocking sequence as way of understanding why people don’t like asking for referrals. Many people it seems don’t ask for referrals because they are afraid, afraid of being rejected and afraid of stepping over some imaginary professional line. Following the ‘unblocking sequence’ may help to find a way out.
I think the day went really well for us at www.Networking-Matters.com and has helped us to tweak the presentation of our Networking Programme. In fact we tried out the introductory and closing rounds and thinking pairs in our two hour seminar to-day. Here is what some of the folks said in their closing comments;
- I really liked that exercise in attention
- I get this attention stuff – we need to put aside our ‘pitch book’ and learn to listen first
- I need to do more cultivation, listening and pay more attention
- I need to listen and not interrupt so much
- We’ve been too focused on transactions, we need to listen more
- I need to give more attention
Edward & Kingsley
www.networking-matters.com